A Journey of Loss, Grief and Reclamation

My personal story about navigating the loss of my baby at 19 weeks

It has taken me a while to get to where I am today and to share my heart openly.

I haven’t spoken much about the death of my baby or what I’ve been moving through.

Up until a few days ago, I was still lovingly carrying my baby inside of my womb.

I knew I had to give every ounce of my energy and attention to this, my complete devotion and commitment to self to move through this experience in the only way I knew how, wholeheartedly trusting in myself and the divine, unwaveringly trusting that my body and nature knew the way and allowing the space and grace for it all to unfold perfectly in its own time and in my own way.

My baby was and forever will be so loved. We were all so excited to welcome our baby into our family.

I didn’t want to believe it. The voice inside whispering quietly to me.

“There is no life here anymore, the soul has gone.”

I knew my baby had moved on at 19 weeks.

After much grieving and deep sadness, un-learning, sitting in the unknown, acceptance, surrender, letting go, shadow work, a lot of hard questions, integration, self trust, rest and deep reverence for the process...it was time for my body to release my baby at 30 weeks, almost 3 months later.

On the 24th of January my body began labour naturally and our baby was born on the 26th of January 2024.

My baby was born at home, gently, freely, and peacefully, just as it was always intended, safely in my own space, surrounded by my family.

I birthed my baby, sovereignly, into my own hands. I caught my baby.

What a surreal experience in so many ways.

Throughout this entire time, I am incredibly proud of how I moved in honour of my body, in honour of myself, in honour of my values, in honour of my baby, in honour of birth, and in honour of death.

Life hands us opportunities to grow and to know ourselves on a deep level. The greatest gifts often disguise themselves in the form of incredible pain and loss.

I am truly humbled by this entire experience.

Through the immense waves of grief and holding my breaking mumma heart, I simultaneously hold so much gratitude that I can know myself, know life, and know God in the most beautiful ways.

Here I am, reborn again as the woman I was always meant to become, as the divine answers of the universe are slowly revealed to me.

Although incredibly sad and at times very confusing, I find peace in knowing why it had to be this way...knowing that all is as it should be and that I am exactly where I’m supposed to be in this moment.

I have faced the depths of my darkness and intense fear. The death of my baby was something I thought I was never going to survive, it took me to the outer most edges of everything I thought I knew about life and about myself.

What I have been reminded of time and time again is the limitless, infinite power and knowing I hold within me. Even with my world seemingly crumbling around me, I have the ability to put the pieces back together a little differently, each time moving towards more authenticity, more alignment, and more love in my life.

The healing I have felt on all levels and on all planes is indescribable. I physically felt the shift. For my ancestors that came before me, for my own daughters, and for the daughters that will come after me…for myself, for the little girl inside of me who only ever knew betrayal and abandonment.

Through this experience, I have had her back. She has known real self-love and unwavering devotion.

Although short, my baby lived a grand and magnificent life, making its presence known and sharing its gifts with the world through me. What an honour it was to hold this beautiful life, what an honour to be chosen as its mother and to play a vital role in its creation and growth and to hold it tenderly through its soul's transition onto its next beginning.

Through my baby’s presence, I witnessed an inherent worthiness like no other, a love so profound and so deep, a safety and a protection, a knowing deep within that I am held and I am loved by a universal force, by God, simply by being here…by living.

Through the purity and innocence of my child’s essence, I found all I needed to know about myself. I am so important here. My life has an impactful meaning. I know that I am good and right in this world because I witnessed that in my child.

The universe wants to know itself through me, it wants me to grow, it wants me to know my power and my greatness.

My baby never knew the conditioning of the world, it never questioned its value, it never doubted its worth or its gifts and it never doubted that it was loved. It never doubted its body’s ability. It just is, and it just was…being.

We are all pure and innocent children of God, and we are all worthy and deserving of this awe-inspiring love. A love that has been apart of you since the beginning of your existence. It can’t ever be taken away from you, it just has to be unlocked, found, and remembered.

I know my baby fulfilled its life purpose here. I find peace knowing that we were chosen to play vital roles in fulfilling each other's personal journeys and destiny.

Each birth teaches us something new, and each birth transforms us if we allow it to. Although this was different and not how I had imagined it to end, it will always be incredibly sacred to me.

My body birthed for the third time…open, raw, intuitive, and completely surrendered to life and death. It was so powerful, I was so present…so empowered.

This birth has been imprinted on my soul for all of eternity. This experience has made me feel freer than ever.

I’m currently navigating all that arises after having gone through labour and birth without holding my baby in my arms at the end. What it feels like to be missing my baby and what it feels like to have my postpartum body desperately longing for my baby.

There is so much to feel and to process.

I can’t truly put into words the magnitude of all that has happened to get me here.

The only thing I know how to do right now is hold my body and my aching heart tenderly.

I also feel immense relief and incredible pride that I allowed my body to do exactly what it was intelligently designed to do. Our bodies are miracles.

Our girls were present to witness the birth of their sibling. We are constantly in awe of their wisdom, their intuition, their compassion, and their understanding. They have been held and nurtured while they move through their own grief in their own ways.

We spent time together as a family honouring our baby at home, and then, when the time felt right, we found a beautiful place to lay its body to rest and held each other in ceremony.

I’m so proud of us in so many ways.

I’m so proud of how we’ve all honoured this part of life so consciously, so gently, and so intentionally. I’m proud of our strength.

I move forward in hope and with an open heart. I move forward, taking all of the lessons and gifts I have learned…I move forward as a completely different woman and mother. I move forward unafraid of life, forever changed in the most beautiful ways, all because of this tiny being who blessed our lives immeasurably.

There have been some absolutely incredible people who have supported me along the way. There were a few rare and beautiful individuals who made their way to me and who the universe knew I needed. People who believed in me, who supported my vision, and who aligned with my values. People who reflected back to me what I already knew inside…signposts for me to know I was heading in the right direction.

These people inspired me to keep finding my own strength and to keep walking my own path. They held me and heard me. For every thought and every prayer, I am eternally grateful.

There is so much I want to say and share, both in what I have learned and in what I have navigated. Just as I support women through sovereign birth and motherhood, I want to offer my wisdom here too.

I know the words will find their way to me in the perfect timing and in all the right ways.

Early birth and pregnancy loss are not spoken about openly. It is met with so much fear, pressure, shame, doubt, and a lot of uncertainty.

There just isn’t the information or much support out there for someone who wants to allow it to unfold in this way, outside of the system, and without medical intervention.

I know that in sharing my vulnerability and my strength, there is a lot of healing that can take place for myself and for others.

I hope that by sharing my story, other women don’t feel so alone on their own journey. I want them to know they have other options that honour their body, their baby, and the beautiful, messy, heartbreaking, enlightening, inspiring, and humbling human experience we are all living.

Alyssa Rafidi

Feel free to connect with me on Instagram.